Rebirth Online World
Creating, Telling, Sharing Dreams
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Rebirth Online World Chatroom
In a swift confrontation, which was supposed to be in their advantage, two of their family elders, Core Masters, died too promptly and gruesomely
promptly –> quickly
Reason why I suggest this change is because word ‘promptly’ is more related to “On time” or similar nature.
And the worst of all, a second level Core Master was once more on the loose!
Sound awkward and really can’t think of any changes but to rewrite if you feel like it. You are on your own on this one.
but the power he exuded was too oppressive and in the moment of impact Zax felt the bones in his right arm shacking.
shacking –> shaking, but vibrating is better word
Is he HIS Tal?
I am not clear on that… what this sentence is trying to say?
It was well known in the small community of second level Core Masters and above that the existence of techniques which enables Mist Users to fly was really scarce and neither of the very few that were out there were easy to comprehend.
There is two spaces between ‘enables’ and ‘Mist’
Zax zik zaked like a flying python and the Derneldar founder got to the two Core Masters.
zik zaked?
In his sea of consciousness he currently executed his best made up technique.
made up –> self-created?
Thanks for the notes!
1. Fixed.
2. Left it because I have an headache and because I tried to phrased better when I edited but could not.
3. Used your advice and changed to “vibrating”.
4. It’s obscure, but the Derneldar founder refers to Kingdom Earth’s bodily cultivator. Wondering if Zax is his Tal, apprentice.
5. Fixed.
6. Meant “Zigzagged”.
7. I think that “Self-created” give the idea that Zax worked to achieve his soul defense. I used “made up” because in truth it was just a rush implementation of his soul energy. Like I wrote, if the Derneldar founder was a little bit more proficient in soul attacks, Zax would have lost.
Ok then ‘best’ doesn’t fit in when you explained the difference between made up and self-created. ‘Best’ fits better with self-created and so my advice would be to deleted best or rephrase to goes like this, Wow! I just did the made up technique on the spot and it’s best technique I ever made and I think I will use this technique to practice until it’s perfected. I think I will call this technique.
Well you get idea… if you want to keep it simple then delete ‘best’ or otherwise rework this…that’s my made up advice but it’s my best advice, (see my pun?) lol.
I tried to add between ‘this’ and ‘technique’ but with no space and it won’t take…
this technique
It still won’t let me explain with > and < in it.
You lost me…
I changed it to “best self created method to counter soul attacks”.
Sorry. I tried my best to explain maybe I shouldn’t use >< I will use [ ] instead.
Wow! I just did the made up technique on the spot and it’s best technique I ever made and I think I will use this technique to practice until it’s perfected. I think I will call this [insert name] technique.
That is just example of use of 'made up' in the sentence. You're still lost? lol
If you typed whatever words with > and and something< but switched and it left the blank when I left comment up above. I learned the hard way never use it like this again lol.
http://www.glencoe.com/sec/writerschoice/rws/mslessons/grade6/lesson30/index.shtml